The beginning of the year was a wake up call, the first quarter I was on top of the world and almost the best I had ever been in a long time, and the second quarter heading into winter I noticed a few things were shaky but could be improved on. Well, the third quarter has been an absolute disaster for all aspects on health but I am at least trying to get out of the ruts. I know I said that last quarter but I didn’t realise the rug was about to be pulled from under me and I was going to have a pretty bad fall from grace. Delta really does change everything…

Physical: My Sacred Places Razed To The Ground

Every time we have a lockdown in our state, gyms and pools are closed, and it is often accompanied by a 5km radius from your home that stops you from wandering over to the next town to do ordinary things like shopping or exercising that you should be able to do in your neighbourhood. Works well in theory to stop the extended transmission of the virus around large cities and helps contact tracers easily identify clusters, not great if you live in the exact centre of a city where the mountain bike trails are on the circumference. And that’s where I find myself once again…

Being a healthcare practitioner, I know the importance of the 5km radius and why not to mess with it. I also know that if I went mountain biking and had an accident, I then have to ask for my fiancé to come out and pick me up which might get her in trouble, but it also puts further strain on the healthcare system I work in. And that’s the frustrating thing that I can’t do the sport I love for governmental restrictions, but also because I know the impact of my actions if I crash. I haven’t crashed in 3 years, but doesn’t mean opportunity won’t knock and I’ll come off during the pandemic. So mountain biking has been striped away from me, damn it…

I did go back to the gym in June, got a few sessions in and then 2 week lockdown. Went back for three sessions and in the middle of the third session they called an immediate snap lockdown and I legitimately gave up on the set I was on just so I could be home before the maniacs took to the streets to buy all the toilet paper and have brunch before the lockdown took place. Good thing I abandoned those side planks, things got pretty ugly that Saturday lunch time.

So I can’t ride on my favourite trails, and I can’t go to the gym to train in the relative warmth of an old warehouse. This did take me aback for a few days, but then I turned to the dark side: cycling. Ah yes, riding around on skinny tyres and trying to keep tempo. It did mean I had to set new goals such as doing my first FTHR (functional threshold heart rate) test to determine where my training zones are. Warpath and Jaeger were once again side lined so Nighthawk and Kaiju could roam the streets and cycling paths around the city. As bad as this situation is to me, I acknowledge that people are in worse situations than myself. But exercise helps me to control my diabetes and is a great stress reliever from work, so once mountain biking and gym was striped from me, then things got a bit darker.

Mental: Working on the Front Lines

Things were getting better at some point with work since weekend sport was going back to normal and people were pretty sensible about the whole pandemic. Then the Delta outbreak happened in Melbourne, popped up in Sydney, and then everything went downhill. Lockdowns are a necessary evil, but when people decided to break lockdown to do what they wanted and jeopardise everyone else’s well being, then lockdowns become tougher for everyone and I have to deal with the aftermath. While I work in a hospital and it is obvious that sick people will be in the hospital, when people start taking the Australian healthcare system for granted and start treating us like scum because they believe something well beyond the truth, then it breaks your spirits a bit. And then you have to do more shifts because your colleagues get sick or fatigue from having to work so hard, so the spirit breaks again. Nurses and doctors who ordinarily are some of your best friends have mood swings and get frustrated with every little thing because they also have to deal with certain demanding patients or have to cover shifts for their colleagues, so your spirit breaks down even further. So then eventually you try to smile through the mask that is cutting into your face in a literal and figurative sense, try to do the best for your patients as you can, only for your last remaining sincerity to be met with this strange hostility because they don’t understand why the politicians keep these lockdowns going.

I do what I can for my team and for my fiancé since these are the only people I have left that I see on a day to day basis. I haven’t seen my family in months since they are over a state border, and I haven’t seen the TNBC crew in almost a year. I try to improve my medical imaging department, I try to help out my colleagues during shifts and by doing shift swaps, and I work hard so my fiancé and I can keep going with our house purchase. But the past three months have put the worst mental toll on me in a very long time. I am thankful that I still have a job during possibly the hardest 18 months of my career (and it will keep going), but I just hope things improve for everyone else so I don’t feel so mentally drained? My mental state only improves when people around me are okay. Otherwise I worry about my fiancé, my work friends, and my family. But right now we’re working as hard as we can to minimise the collateral damage from a disaster that will continue into next quarter and beyond.

Of course when the politicians say that once enough of the population are vaccinated, we will open back up I honestly worry. Vaccinations help to minimise how sick you get from a certain disease. It might mean you get a little snuffle and feel tired, or the disease will still take full effect and you suffer all the consequences. Vaccinations do not prevent the spread of the disease, they reduce the impact to the healthcare system and sometimes reduce spread since people might not build up a viral load which makes it easy to spread through contact. It may mean that we open up, cafes and restaurants are open for serving, and maybe we can get back to live sport, but it also means that COVID will continue to spread and wreak havoc on the healthcare system. I worry that for the next few years when I go to work, I may have to wear the tight masks all the time and I might get the virus and suffer, but I could also unknowingly pass it onto someone else and they suffer. This is an uncomfortable reality I am facing but I have to prepare myself for what will happen next. Not may, WILL happen next. I had to go through similar thought processes when the pandemic first began for us in March 2020, but this is the next stage in the whole ordeal and I need to be mentally ready for the repercussions.

Emotional: A Bit Obvious?

Anxious. Frustrated. Slightly depressed. But also I have found some joy in the situation aside from the situation described above? As terrible as the world is in other countries, in other Australian states, and arguably some parts of my life, at least I am still here and trying to make things better for myself. I could have given up and simply sat on the couch and ignored the world, but soon I will be moving house and moving onto the next stage in my life with my wonderful fiancé. By moving house, I will finally have some additional shelf space to build my Lego Star Wars A-Wing which has sat in storage for almost a year. I feel the excitement of a new racing game coming out (Forza Horizon 5) since I take great joy in exploring far off worlds in my favourite cars and not having to worry about insurance claims or fuel. At some stage the world will improve to the point that I can see my family again and see friends that I haven’t for so long, and I will be able to hug them and be with them.

These terrible emotions come strongly sometimes but wash away once I recognise what the future will hold. Every rainy, windy day that I have experienced in the past 3 months was followed by a slightly better day (it is winter after all, can’t expect too much). I have to find small victories and keep working towards them, otherwise I will be a victim of my own destruction. No one is forcing me to feel a certain way, and I need to rehabilitate myself from these dreary days. And just like rehabilitation for my physical injuries, it’s a progress of weeks and months rather than deciding “hey, my shoulder no longer feels bad, I’m okay now”. Physical, mental and emotional rehabilitation take some time, but I need to find things to work towards and that gives me the strength to at least get off the couch and do the damn dishes.

Squaring Up for the Final Quarter

If I can at least improve from here in any way possible, I will try. I won’t be in top form like I was after March where I had finished riding Tasmania, but trying to be better is at least an improvement from where I am now at the end of this sorrowful winter. Maybe gyms will open, maybe the 5km radius is taken away and I can ride trails again, and maybe vaccinations will help with this pandemic in my state. But I will be moving house and I will have my fiancé and work colleagues to help me out along the way. It will take some effort, but let’s see what I can do before the end of the year?

Until next time, keep safe and stay awesome!